Another late arrival to the blinking cursor! Work got in the way, and then lunch. Writing now after lunch, which means I’m in a lactose-derived brain fog.
I’m pretty sure I’m both allergic to dairy and lactose intolerant. Why do I keep eating dairy? It’s just so damn good.
My first coffee of the day is black, and I usually have a good intermittent fast cookin’ until lunch time. But at lunch, if there’s dairy involved, my afternoon coffee is replete with half-and-half cream.
I ought to get away from using the cream in that coffee, and switch to oat milk or just stick with black.
But I had cheese on my eggs for lunch.
And I used butter to cook those eggs.
This brings up for me a concept that my partner told me about, that I think she heard from some influencer on instagram – Don’t Slash All Your Tires. If you puncture a tire when driving down the road, you don’t then take out a knife and slash each one of your tires.
I like this concept and it’s so apt to describe addiction or self-reinforcing behavior or whatever more accurate psychoanalytical term there is out there.
Just because I used butter to cook the eggs, doesn’t mean I need to put cheese on the eggs. Just because I put cheese on the eggs, doesn’t mean I need to then put cream in my coffee.
But I broke the dairy seal! I cracked the threshold and now I’m on dairy. I now know that, objectively, this is just an excuse to justify behavior that I only want to partially be accountable for. It’s addiction talking. I used to do the same thing if I smoked some weed, or had a drink, or puffed a cigarette. The seal is broken, I might as well let it all loose and get totally fucked up beyond recognition.
Long story short, I failed today with dairy. I slashed all my tires.
But maybe tomorrow I’ll avoid the cream at least and drive away with one full tire. That would be an excellent little victory.